Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has today expressed his heartfelt condolences to a staffer who was sexually assaulted in Parliament House, after being informed by his wife that that kind of thing is really not on.

“After a lengthy consultation with my wife and kids I have decided I am not pro-rape,” said the man who has clearly wasted the$200,000 he spent on empathy consultants. “I know a lot of you out there in the community will struggle with me taking such a controversial stance on this issue, but Jenny has insisted that it’s important I look at this issue as if it affected me personally, which gave me a whole new perspective on why a woman getting assaulted might be a bad thing.”

This is just the latest in a long string of decisions by the Prime Minister that have been guided by his wife’s unusual access to a thing called “emotions”. “Why only yesterday I was walking down the street and I was going to punch a small child in the face, but then Jenny said to me ‘think about how you’d feel if that was one of your kids’ and I immediately changed my mind. She’s a real philosopher my Jenny.”

Asked whether he might be able to extend the same newfound empathy to the children he is currently keeping locked up on an island prison, the Prime Minister pointed out the contractors being paid millions of dollars a year to keep the children locked up were also someone’s son or daughter, so on balance he’s doing the right thing.