Conspiracy theorists across Australia have faced a moral conundrum today, after being forced to decide between boycotting facemasks in shops because Covid is a ‘hoax’ and wearing facemasks in shops because the government is harvesting their data.

The debate comes as major retailers Kmart revealed that they have been using facial tracking software in their stores, in order to build a giant database of everyone in the country with terrible taste in home decor.

“I won’t stand for it!” posted one conspiracy theorist today on a giant website that harvests all their data to sell to the highest bidder. “From now on I will be wearing a facemask to Kmart to ensure the only way they can track me is via my numberplate, the data broadcast by my phone everywhere I go, my credit card, and the 30 apps I have installed on my phone that all track my every move. Checkmate government.”