A woman who really should be getting paid for her work as an empathy consultant, Jenny Morrison, is reportedly expecting to have a ‘chat’ with her 52 year old husband Scott Morrison about whether lying and victim blaming in order to discredit a rape victim is ‘ok’.
Jenny has told the pillow she was screaming into that she has found someone to watch the girls this evening so that the couple can have some alone time while they deal with helping him understand basic human decency.
“Tonight was supposed to be ‘are women human beings’ night,” said the PM’s chief human advisor, “I just don’t get it. Could he not connect the dots that because his party covered it up from the police, the police weren’t able to do what needed to be done?”
“I mean that is why they tried to cover it up. Apparently the lesson on helping women like Brittany Higgins stuck with him almost as long as his press conference yesterday morning.”
“Maybe what I need is a Powerpoint presentation on how to not be an awful human being. I am probably going to need to practise this one because I want to just say, “You kept the evidence from her, you pig”, but at this point we can’t be confident he will hear a woman out even if he is married to her. If you could excuse me, I am going to need some time as I might need a few drafts at this one.”
While Jenny was preparing to make it so that the grown-ass-man in charge of the country understands that we should be helping victims, for the second time this week, we overheard a few other phrases between the sound of her head hitting a brick wall:
“Stop trying to shift all blame onto one female MP, we know more people are involved. We aren’t all as dumb as you!”
“When you guys are called out for lying, the solution is not to try new lies!”
“Yes our daughters are human beings but no they are not humans because they are our daughters. How could that possibly be how it works?”
“Rape is wrong, no exceptions. No, there is no need to ask questions about that sentence. Shut up, just shut up.”
“Why did I marry you?”
“Just because this is how Cronulla Sharks and Hillsong handled their cases doesnt mean its how the government should!”
“This was NOT a ‘situation she got herself into’, because the guy DIDN’T have to rape her. You understand that right? It is really important I know you understand that right.”
“Sweetie it’s not complicated or hard, it’s such a low bar you aren’t clearing. Like the lowest possible bar. It is essentially on the ground.”
“You can sleep in the bin tonight, you will fit right in there.”
“WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAWAII!”