First lady of Australia, and person responsible for explaining to the Prime Minister that rape is bad, Jenny Morrison, has today stood down from her official government role due to the emotional stress of constantly having to explain emotions to her husband.
“You said WHAT,” Jenny was heard shouting before leaving for her mother’s house this afternoon. “Jesus fucking Christ Scott, why in gods name would you boast about not shooting them? I GIVE UP.”
The first lady was given the dual role as Morrison’s empath after all of his other colleagues failed to qualify for the role, from Michalea Cash being accused of workplace bullying, to Marise Payne calling a staffer a cow. “We even tried some former colleagues but they were no good either,” explained one insider. “From Julie Bishop and her dragging out the trials of asbestos victims to reduce payouts, to Tony Abbott declaring himself minister for women, to Joe Hockey telling the poor to just get better jobs, to Corey Benardi saying same-sex marriage would lead to bestiality, to Bronwyn Bishop charging to taxpayer for a helicopter to travel to a party fundraiser, to Barnaby Joyce impregnating a staffer while married, to Michael McCormack calling gays a disease, to Christian Porter forcing to poor to pay unjustified robodebts, to Susan Ley using travel entitlements to purchase investment properties, to Stuart Roberts overcharging his internet bill by thousands, to Peter Dutton doing so many horrendous things his wife had to specifically state she’s not married to a monster, it seemed empathy is in short supply in cabinet.”
“In the mean time we’ve found the perfect replacement for Jenny,” announced Morrison this afternoon. “So please welcome my new empathy consultant and women’s rights specialist Bettina Arendt AO. Why are you all booing?”