The United States government has today spent $1 Trillion of stimulus money to ensure every American owns a Mac Book Pro, after President Donald Trump read online that Mac users don’t get viruses.

“You know I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and I’m hearing a lot of good things, great things about Mac users,” Trump explained. “Apparently they don’t get viruses. I read one profile of a woman, she’d been using macs for thirty years and never got a virus. Isn’t that amazing? And sure some people in the bad guy press are saying ‘that’s not going to stop people getting sick’ but who knows, maybe we should try it first? I have it on very good expert opinion that it’s not going to hurt patients so why not at least try it, see what happens?”

“In fact I’ve been using a Mac for three weeks now, bet you didn’t know that did you. Not a single problem at all, except I can’t find the internet button. You know the one with the ‘e’? Think it must be broken, I’ve got some very good people looking into it though. Kushner has had to put Middle East peace on hold until he can fix the internet, but we’re making great progress.”

However, plans have already hit a serious snag, with the $1 Trillion budget only managing to purchase 5 new Macs, with 3 of them already being declared out of date within days of being purchased. “God it’s so slow, they must be about to release a new model,” complained one new user. “Wait here come some PC users, OH MY MAC IS SO FAST AND EFFICIENT OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO GOOD QUICK SOMEBODY TAKE MY SELFIE I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN okay they’re gone, god this computer sucks.”