General News
Giant megachurch needs your money more than sick kids, confirms Jesus

Local carpenter and son of God, Jesus H Christ, has today confirmed that the giant megachurch down the street needs your hard-earned cash more than those pesky sick kids.

“Listen, I love sick kids as much as the next guy, but let’s be real here,” said Jesus during a recent book tour. “Sick kids will eventually die and go to heaven, but if the megachurch doesn’t get that sweet, sweet cash infusion, they might have to actually start following my teachings and helping the poor. And we can’t have that now, can we?”

When asked why the megachurch needs so much money, Jesus was quick to respond. “Have you seen the size of that place? Concert venues aren’t cheap. And let’s not even get started on the giant screens and sound systems they have. How else would people worship me if not staging a giant music festival every week? It’s just like I say in the bible ‘Hallowed be the party rockers in the house tonight.”

Jesus also revealed that the megachurch has a holy plan to use the donated money to fund a lavish vacation for their pastor, who has been “working so hard” and “deserves a 4 week break in the Bahamas.” “Sure, it might seem selfish to some selfish ‘starving families’, but how exactly do you expect the pastor to effectively preach the good word without 5 nights of luxury spa treatment in an expenses paid Carribean retreat?” asked Jesus. “I’ve always said you should put material pleasures first.”

In conclusion, Jesus emphasized the importance of donating to the megachurch and urged followers to “remember, it’s not about charity or being a good samaritan, it’s about partying and living the high life. After all, that’s what being a Christian is all about, right?”

Share this story: