The party of responsible fiscal management has today firmly and decisively responded to the slowing Australian economy by giving billionaires another tax break then throwing their hands up in resignation. “I don’t get it!?” cried treasurer Josh Frydenberg today, “We let the top 1% of retirees keep their franking credits, why aren’t the other 99% of Australians using this fiscal benefit to go out and buy more products? It’s almost as if rich people just hoard the money instead of letting it trickle down, but that can’t be right?”

Instead, the party has now been forced to pull the leaver on their emergency stimulus package, which will see over $5 billion flooded into private schools, marginal sports clubs, and Angus Taylor’s private bank account. “That should get the economy chugging along,” said a happy ScoMo as he stimulated the tourism economy by flying off to Hawaii. “And to think some idiot economists said we should have wasted the money on giving poor people more Newstart allowance. God, I’m sure if we did they’d only spend it immediately on useless things like food, clothing, shelter, and entertainment. As if that would help anyone.”

However, the Liberal Party’s stimulus package has so far failed to kickstart the economy, forcing the party to take drastic action and remove their “back in the black” mugs from the party’s online shop. “How could Labor do this,” said an angry Josh Frydenberg as he stared at the country’s massive deficit. “They had every opportunity to block all our terrible financial decisions over the last seven years, but instead they just let our supply bills pass like the fiscally irresponsible party they are. I just want you all to know that if Labor hadn’t selfishly lost the last election, the country wouldn’t be in this financial mess right now. What a bunch of crooks.”

Asked what he thought of the smoking economic ruins his 2014 budget has left, former Treasurer Joe Hockey said that it was just another sign that the age of entitlement was finally over, before lighting another cigar with a $100 bill from one of the various government contracts his former colleagues generously have given him