CALIFORNIA, Wednesday: Astronomers at the Livermore Observatory in California have confirmed what many have suspected for a number of years – that local teenager Emily Gillespie is the centre of the observable universe.
Using data taken from the Hubble telescope and processed through seven paralleled Cray supercomputers, they have established that the tall, blonde, intelligent science/maths student and A-list netball player spends most of her time at a point exactly equidistant between the averaged distances of all quasars mapped to date.
The hypothesis that Gillespie is the centre of the universe has been posed by a number of people including Emily, some of her classmates and the entire male enrolment of Bronte Secondary College where the gymnastics champion is vice-president of the dance committee.
However, the emiliocentric view of the universe also has its opponents, including Emily’s father Bryan, who expressed the prevailing counter-hypothesis at 85 decibels as recently as last Sunday, when KG000001 – as she has now been mapped – spent eighty minutes uploading selfies to Instagram while the family was waiting for news of her brother from the dialysis clinic.
Scientists have also established that a number of smaller, dimmer bodies which are in constant orbit around KG0000001, which have been dubbed ‘friends’.