People across Australia have today feigned shock at news that an Englishman ended his innings before reaching 100. “I must admit, it was a bit of a shock,” said one pub patron informed of the news. “Normally the poms are lucky to make it past the 70s. Good on him I say.”

Phillip will be survived by his Co-Captain Liz whose innings is still going strong, and DNB player Charles.

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Phillip was expected to attend as guest of honour at The Ashes this year, something which you should all be very grateful we’ve chosen not to make a joke about here.