People across Australia have today feigned shock at news that an Englishman ended his innings before reaching 100. “I must admit, it was a bit of a shock,” said one pub patron informed of the news. “Normally the poms are lucky to make it past the 70s. Good on him I say.”

Phillip will be survived by his Co-Captain Liz whose innings is still going strong, and DNB player Charles.

Phillip was expected to attend as guest of honour at The Ashes this year, something which you should all be very grateful we’ve chosen not to make a joke about here.