BANGKOK, Thursday: A desperately horny 16-year-old underwear model confessed today to friends that she hasn’t been able to give away her virginity despite her best efforts to solicit sex through unsolicited emails.

“All I want is to guzzle cum. I don’t care whose it is,” she admitted. “But I’m terribly shy. That’s why I thought it would be easier to meet potential lovers through the internet.” Yet the hot, wet whore found it surprisingly difficult to woo would-be suitors.

“I spend literally all day sending emails out but I’m yet to receive one reply. Can you imagine how bad that is for my self-esteem? I even installed a web-camera in my bedroom so people could see how much I ached for man-meat during my lesbian gang-bangs. But the website didn’t get a single hit. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever find a man,” moaned the rapidly-becoming legal slut.

“I’ve tried everything to get their attention. I’ve offered INTEREST-FREE credit cards; I’ve offered FREE PENIS ENLARGEMENTS; I’ve even offered to pay LITERALLY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS for their time from my TOP SECRET account in the Bank of Nigeria – but still I get no response. This is so frustrating; at this rate I’ll never TASTE a JUICY, THROBBING COCK before I’m 16!!!!!”

This was originally published in Issue 64 of The Chaser newspaper