Our letter to the board of Woolworths


Scott Perkins
Chair of Woolworths
1 Woolworths Way
Bella Vista
NSW 2153

Dear Scott,

I’m writing to offer a bit of help following the resignation of your CEO Mr Brad ‘I don’t know’ Banducci.

First up, as a fellow CEO, I’d like to offer my condolences about Nick McKim’s performance in the Senate the other day.

It was totally against the spirit of Australian capitalism to ask tricky questions of a business leader. Do you think Kerry Packer would have put up with that sort of shit? Nick McKim would be at the bottom of the harbor by now if Kerry was still alive.

It was especially egregious given that Woolworths had already followed the traditional process of having their CEO resign right before having to answer for anything they’d done.

As a white man who also never faced any consequences, I’m writing to put my hat in the ring for CEO of Woolworths group (I assume you’ll have people reach out to me with my start date etc). I’m perfect for the job, not only do I not know about the return on equity for Woolworths, I don’t know what it is, period. Try and get that info out of me Senator!

Now that Covid is over and we’re back to living in a plain old cost of living crisis, I have big plans to ensure Woolworths is number 1 across Australia, especially in terms of the number of laws we break.

Instead of being guilty of breaching spam laws more than five million times (2020) I feel we can try for at least 7 or 8 million. (I’ve got a few contacts who can get the entire Optus customer list off the dark web for an absolute steal).

I know there’s been a whole fuss about Brad paying farmers less than it costs for them to produce their food.

My only question is why pay them at all? It’s not like farmers can sell their perishables anywhere else anyway. That’s the whole point of spending decades building a cosy duopoly! We put in the hard work, now let’s reap the harvest (so to speak).

Finally, as CEO I will crack down on the shoplifting of baby formula, which is the most-stolen item in your shops. Clearly, if babies can’t afford food, then they’ve only got themselves to blame.

I’m pretty sure my values are very much aligned with Woolworth’s. How about it? Call me if you want to chat.

Yours sincerely,

Shane Murphy
CEO* of The Chaser
*May have stepped down at time of reading.

The ‘Daily Mail of political commentators’ joins the Daily Mail


The Daily Mail Australia has announced they have hired a new political editor in Christian Porter’s former PR Manager Peter van Onselen.

“On a macro level, he will fit in perfectly here,” said another Daily Mail editor, “but on a micro level, when it comes to defending powerful men and telling women to smile more, boy is he a natural”

“I mean he even attacks people like Grace Tame, Brittany Higgins and has been accused of bullying female colleagues, he truly get’s what we are all about. The only things left that he will need to learn is how to add more cleavage to his thumbnails and which words to randomly capitalise. But, based on his general smug demeanour, I assume that won’t take long.”

The news of PvO’s move to the Daily Mail has been met with many people saying ‘yeah, that checks out’, which is a response so damaging to a journalist’s reputation that the defamation suit enthusiast has already begun work copy and pasting a cease and desist letter.

However the announcement has led to outrage amongst students at the university where he is a lecturer, with one student telling The Chaser, “I am getting into how much HECS debt only to be taught journalism from a guy at the Daily Mail? And if we are learning standards from the Daily Mail, does that mean I get marked down or marked up for plagiarism?”

Disappointed cocaine dealer cancels plans to buy a yacht following Lehrmann ruling


A Sydney based cocaine dealer has disappointedly cancelled his purchase of a brand new yacht following ‘lying rapist’ Bruce Lehrmann’s humiliating defamation loss.

“Does Bruce not think about the consequences of his actions?” said Dave Baggins. “If he had gotten that payout I would have been rolling in cash, but now I just need to use the money from other political staffers and Channel 7. Which is enough to fund the mansion sure, but not enough to add on a yacht.”

“Plus my plans to open a Karaoke bar are completely ruined.”

“All he had to do was not rape anyone and we would have had so much money, the literal lowest bar possible. What a total cunt. Maybe I should just stop hanging out with political staffers, they are really hurting the reputation of drug cartels everywhere.”

Bruce Lehrmann achieves goal of losing title of ‘alleged rapist’


Bruce Lehrmann has secured exactly what he wanted in defamation court today as the ruling will mean no one will refer to him as an ‘alleged rapist’ anymore.

This change comes as Justice Lee said in his ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Bruce Lehrmann raped Brittany Higgins. In a case that former Attorney General Christian Porter has labelled an embarrassing step-down from Channel 10.

“Mr Lehrmann just wanted the truth to be out there,” said his lawyer, “and with this verdict that has been achieved.”

“So while some may say that he completely embarrassed himself by pushing for an unnecessary case with the level of entitlement that the sort of man who would be described by a judge as having an indifference to consent, we prefer to see this as a massive win and money well spent.”

The news has been tragic to a Sydney based cocaine dealer who was planning to put down a deposit on a yacht if Lehrmann managed to get a massive payout.

Cancer announces new book “If I Did It”


Cancer has denied allegations that it killed Naked Gun star OJ Simpson, before immediately announcing a new book called “If I Did It” about how it would have killed the bloody knife collector.

“It is heartbreaking that people would suggest that I killed OJ,” said Cancer, “sure my cells were all over the scene of the death, but that’s just because I had given OJ a big hug which accidentally spilled all my blood and cancer on the door handles and body. No one else was there to see it, but do I seem like someone who could kill anyone?”

“Now if I were to kill him, I would have systematically attacked his cells and weakened him over time. Boy it felt good… I mean it umm felt good to write the book.”

“It’s crazy that people would suggest that I killed him, I don’t even have hands so a glove definitely can’t fit me. I am as guilty of murder as OJ Simpson was.”

UPDATE: Cancer has now been spotted evading police in a white bronco.

AUKUS triumph: Japanese subs to return to Sydney Harbour for first time since World War II


AUKUS has added yet another member, as Japan joins the deal to take over the production of the submarines after America decided they didn’t want to. These new Japanese submarines are a historic deal, with them being the first Japanese submarines Australia has seen since World War II.

“Australia and Japan have a long history with submarines,” said PM Albanese, “we have seen what they can do first hand and are excited to get our hands on them, in like thirty years time, maybe.”

“This deal is a sign of how much both countries have grown in the last century and our ability to come together to independently work together, when America tells us to.”

The Australian Prime Minister said he is excited to commit to receiving the Japanese submarines, until we change plans in two years time like we did with the American submarines and the French submarines.

‘Australians have had a gutful of divisive politics’ says guy who made a career out of attacking First Nations people, African migrants, Muslim groups, Refugees, same-sex marriage…


Leader of Opposing and alleged ‘Not a Monster’ Peter Dutton has slammed the Albanese government, claiming that “The Australian people have had a gutful of the politics of division”.

“What ever happened to Australians standing together?” asked the man who walked out of the national apology to the Stolen Generation. “This division has the power to hurt regular Aussie families who could otherwise be blindly supporting the bombing of Middle-Eastern families.”

“Not everything has to be an us verse them battle,” said the man who demanded the platforming of homophobic musicians for ‘balance’, “it’s like I’ve always said when attacking refugees, Muslim groups, African migrants, unemployed people, equality advocates, Pacific Island Nations, victims of sexual violence and many many more; a true leader should be bringing people together not trying to capitalise on causing more pain.”

“If you look at the damage caused to regular families, I would say the protests from the last 6 months have been worse than any mass shooting. Some people clearly just don’t care about how their words could be upsetting to those affected by tragedies.”

“This is the most pain the woke mob have caused since they said that I shouldn’t have praised the Australian Catholic Church’s top pedophile enabler at his funeral.”

Hubbl ads quickly becoming the worst thing the Murdoch family has ever done


Calls for a Royal Commission into the Murdoch empire have once again reignited, this time specifically targeting the onslaught of really annoying ads for ‘Hubbl’.

Hubbl, a product which can connect to a smart tv to give it the ability to do what smart tv’s can already do without a hundred dollar added device, went on the market recently bringing with it an onslaught of never ending frustrating ads for the product.

“This has to be the worst thing the Murdoch family has ever done,” said Grace from Canberra after seeing four Hubbl ads in a row while trying to scroll TikTok, “I get that they’ve hacked the phone of a deceased child, destabilised democracies and ruthlessly spread lies to try discredit anyone wanting to make the world a better place… but these fucking terrible ads just never seem to end.”

“It’s not like I’m ever going to consider buying that garbage, my tv already does it and there a million other products that do the same thing that aren’t made by the company that can’t even keep Kayo Sports up long enough to watch a full game.”

“No amount of annoying ads with the guy from Lego Masters and that other guy who used to be on tv will change that they are about 10 years too late to make this product. It’s like they are trying to torture me with these ads until I submit and buy it to stop the pain. PLEASE, JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!”

Mental health experts have advised all Australians to attempt to limit their social media use and try going outside instead, “normally this advice would be because of how toxic social media can be, but now it is purely for the benefit of not having any sponsored Hubbl posts popping up in front of you.”

Daily Mail editor enthusiastically copies and pastes Channel 7’s expense account rules


An editor at The Daily Mail has taken time out of his busy day of copy and pasting the work of journalists from actual news outlets, to implement new expense account rules that he copy and pasted from Channel 7’s Spotlight.

This comes after allegations that were made in court accused Channel 7 of expensing the purchase of illicit drugs and the hiring of sex workers during their bid to secure an interview with Toowoomba’s highest profile defamation suit enthusiast Bruce Lehrmann.

“Now that is how you run a media outlet,” screamed the Daily Mail editor, “I mean just think about the amount of cocaine I go through on a daily basis while writing pieces, I was stupidly just paying it myself and waiting till tax season to business expense it.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t think of having a dedicated drugs budget before. Now it will be much cheaper for me to get the gear I need to write pieces attacking victim survivors for being seen in the same vicinity as a bong.”

“Plus it’s so stressful to co-ordinate having paparazzi people stalk women who speaks out against the patriarchy or poor people who think they deserve respect. Especially when you add in the work of scrolling through their Instagram to see if we can unearth a picture of her in a bikini for the thumbnail. Now I’ll be able to relax with a cheeky massage while I do it and expense myself a happy ending too.”

Allegations that Bruce Lehrmann received the ‘Andrew O’Keefe Special’


Channel 7 have been accused of offering allegedly ‘high profile’ defamation complaint enthusiast Bruce Lehrmann special compensation in return for an interview. The reported compensation package left many in shock as normally it is only reserved only for former hosts of Weekend Sunrise.

“It’s standard procedure for anyone doing a one hour interview to be compensated,” said one 7 News editor while doing coke at a strip club as part of his daily work lunch, “but normally we don’t pay for coke and sex-workers unless they’ve been a full time employee for a couple of years.” 

“Paying a year’s worth of rent is very normal stuff, he is the only kind of renter we like. But upgrading him to the O’Keefe special, that’s a massive step. I mean, it isn’t even Logies season!”

In response, Today Tonight has launched an investigation into the ‘dodgy businessmen’ offering accused criminals drugs, accommodation and sex workers in exchange for favours.