The Victorian government has today announced plans to plant 5G towers disguised as trees on every street corner across the state, in an attempt to convince the growing number of conspiracy theorists to remain locked in their homes. The announcement follows a wave of recent protests against lockdowns from a range of unhinged lunatics employed by Rupert Murdoch.
“Dan Andrews has completely lost his mandate for this lockdown!” complained one basement dweller at the Herald Sun. “Only 70% of the population supports him according to recent polling, which means he should definitely stand down and also build some coal mines while he’s at it.”
However, insiders within the Victorian government have suggested there is an even deeper conspiracy at play, with some suggesting the ‘5G trees’ are in fact, just trees. “Yea we worked out it was actually cheaper just to not build the towers and claim we did,” explained one NBN contractor smoking on the side of the road. “Still has the same effect on the conspiracy nuts, and by delivering our new patented ‘fibre to the single tower per city’ instead of ‘fibre to the street corner tower’ we will save billions of dollars that we will then probably have to spend in a few years time when everybody complains they can’t get internet. It’s a completely foolproof plan.”
The NSW police force has today proudly announced they will be teaming up with mining giant Rio Tinto to help deliver a new raft of blatantly illegal things that immediately make you say “wait, who on earth thought that was a good idea?”
Working to both their strengths, the two organisations will both be investing in new strip mining leases – with NSW police helping to strip the surface layer of all sites before Rio Tinto delicately blow them up.
The project so far has been a great success, with only eight culturally significant Aboriginal sites irreparably damaged. “We’ve always been great at stripping things,” explained one representative for the NSW police force. “From innocent teenagers catching public transport, to anyone wanting to get into a music festival, we’re always looking for new opportunities to trample on someone’s rights. So when we heard Rio Tinto offering an opportunity for us to combine our first love of stripping things with our second love of debasing the rights of our country’s first people, well we just couldn’t resist.”
Rio Tinto agreed that the programme has gone well, though they admitted it had got off to a rocky start. “Yea we had a board meeting day one where we all got arrested for disturbing the public peace,” explained one executive. “But once the NSW police calmed down we were able to explain to them it was just a misplaced space in the slideshow title, and ‘POLICE – RIOT INTO MEETING’ was not an invitation for them to start senselessly beating everyone there.”
Woolworths have recalled 100,000 Ooshies after what the company described as a ‘creative error’. The collectible plastic toys were part of the Australian Icons series that included Banjo Paterson, Sir Don Bradman, Bob Hawke, Sir Marcus Oliphant and Ivan Milat. It is the Milat figure that is being withdrawn from circulation.
The figure depicted him wearing his trademark stovepipe hat and holding a sawn-off shotgun.
Mum of four Judy Glaeter expressed her fury at the addition. “He should not be in the collection at the expense of a real icon like Shane Warne or Angry Anderson,” she said. “If I spend $30 I want an Ooshie with only minor crimes to their name.”
“How am I supposed to explain this to my kids?” she continued, holding up one of the figures. “They wanted The Mandalorian”
A spokesperson for the supermarket chain said “We unreservedly apologise for the creation and distribution of the Ivan Milat Ooshie. Woolworths does not consider him to be an Australian Icon.”
“That’s the last time we get a backpacker in to help with promotions” she added.
The federal government has today announced a ‘new’ NBN plan, to bring fibre internet to households all around the country, a plan they insist is definitely not what the NBN has meant to look like before the Abbott government decided most people only use the internet for morse code. The new NBN plan reverses the previous genius cost cutting measures implemented by Malcolm Turnbull, which completely blew the original budget, used already outdated technology and took way longer to roll out than what the previous Labor government had planned. Reports that suggested these issues originate from 2013, however the government has successfully been able to hide all evidence by storing it on NBN servers.
“This government are already masters at hiding their mistakes, but this is pure genius,” explained one political commentator. “Normally they just abuse loopholes to remove all information from Freedom of Information requests, but this is a whole new level. Not only would this plan stop anyone who has the NBN from finding the information because it would be impossible to load, it also stops reporters without the NBN from accessing it because the servers crash due to the traffic of one person trying to access it.”
We reached out to the creator of this new plan Kevin Rudd for a statement on the LNP’s new revolutionary idea. In a lengthy response which we have had translated from its original Mandarin, the former PM said:
“It’s my idea, that’s what I wanted the whole time! Are you serious? Let me guess Murdoch media is going to praise it despite the relentless attacks I had to deal with. Not only can every criticism against my NBN be used against these hypocrites, now they are just going to steal my one because it’s better. They are all [censored] [censored] moronic [censored] cunts.”
The government has denied the allegations that this is what Kevin Rudd planned saying, “Rudd’s terrible NBN was very different. See his plan didn’t involve putting a bad NBN in first that requires fixing, so his would have been far quicker and cheaper. Wait, can you not quote that last bit?”
Alleged Opposition leader and guy who just wants everyone to be his mate, Anthony Albanese has today briefly excited millions of Australians by finally standing up to Scott Morrison in parliament. However, disappointment quickly set in after it was made clear Albo just wanted to fix the PM’s tie, before kneeling to kiss his ring then sitting back down to cheer the PM on.
We sat down with Albo to talk about accidently exciting Australians for the first time since he took over as Labor ‘leader’. This is what he had to say.
“Oh wow, I just wanted to help the Prime Minister out because I would hate for anything to make Scomo look bad. Really, I brought hope? I am so glad to hear that. You see I was worried about the voters that keep calling me a disappointment. See I thought by calling me disappointing that implied they thought I had a chance to begin with, which may make them sound naïve. I am glad to have been able to give them hope briefly so it now makes sense that I can disappoint them.”
“See my plan as the opposition leader has been to keep as quiet as possible as to not upset voters. I will say something every once and a while but I like to wait a bit first to feel out whether I might alienate people by standing my ground. See if I wait a few weeks or a month, by then Penny, Kevin, Bill, Malcom, the Greens and all the experts probably would have stood up to Scotty first, so I know I won’t be offending him or anyone else by doing so. I feel like this will help me in the polls. Sure, some might say it hasn’t worked since Scomo is at 67% on the polls, but Dan Andrews is at 70% and the media say he is on his way out, so I am in with a chance.”
When asked if he is stuck between a rock and a hard place between what voters want and what Murdoch wants, the former DJ had this to say, “Look, Rupert Murdoch may not always see eye-to-eye with the Australian public or the experts in whatever field he is talking about, but he is still a bloke I don’t want hating me. I don’t want anyone to hate me. That’s why I haven’t pointed to the Murdoch doco on iview breaking down how he is a danger to democracy, it might hurt his feelings. Classic ABC bias, going after a bloke like that.”
In response to this, Labor voters have once again pushed for Penny Wong to take over as Labor leader thinking she would be able to turn this country around due to her consistent fighting for what she believes in and standing up to the LNP. Some have pointed out however that she is in the Senate not the House of Representatives. Another issue is that this is Australia and she is an Asian Lesbian Women, no amount of popularity or skill at the job would make Australia or our Media accept her as leader. Remember although she is an inspiration to many, this is a country that wants Karl Stefanovic on TV for some reason.
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg admitted that from October 1 Australians will have to be killed and turned into tickets to the world-renowned musical theatre production Hamilton, which premieres in Sydney next March.
Artists and academics will be the first among those culled. “Look, we need to fix our shit economy,” said the former investment banker this morning, “and what better way to do that than through the death of Australia’s artistic and intellectual base?”
Left-wing critics are lukewarm on the plan, saying it could possibly breach the human rights of those being murdered.
But the Treasurer accused the left of being “pathetic” with “no vision” and “lost on petty dog-whistling” while calmly sipping a glass of single-malt whisky, before stating that Jesus was his favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese said he would have to look at the details of the plan before he decided whether he was for or against it.
Insiders say government modelling shows that tickets to Hamilton are now worth far more than the average Australian, and so the decision had been an easy one.
Donors to the Liberal Party will be exempt from the new measure.
Guy who tries to seem like a ‘typical Aussie bloke’ despite being the embodiment of wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater over your shoulders, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has defended the government paying $30m for land valued at $3m for the Western Sydney Airport.
“Ol’ Mate Scomo” as his PR team requested we call him, clarified in an exclusive interview with The Chaser that he was in fact “just paying mates rates” and that the dealing involved “many other common blokey shenanigans”.
“Yeah nah mate, it was just a handshake deal,” said the Prime Minister while angle-grinding a flat-pack shelf wearing white chinos and a Sharks jersey he just had dry-cleaned and pressed. “It was just a typical mates rates deal you see. Deals like these are very common around Australia, especially within our government. I mean just look at the recent gas investment, the money we constantly give to Rupert, or even all the money we gave Angus Taylor’s mates for that water which will probably come eventually. Internally we even call our tax rate cuts for millionaires ‘mates rates’ cause that is essentially what they are. How great are mates rates?!”
After a brief interruption by Mr. Morrison’s manservant who came in to remove the PM’s first ever splinter, Scomo had more to say about the auditor’s findings. “To the auditors who raised concern about the repeated reference of the “goodwill” between us and the seller throughout ‘negotiations’, and that we didn’t get a second opinion of the value of the land, I ask, have they never done deals with mates before? Typical elites don’t even understand how the real world works. Of course, I have goodwill with me mates, that’s how mates work! At least that’s what my PR team told me. You don’t dog the boys by getting someone else in even if it might be slightly more expensive. I mean what’s $27m between mates?”
“Also, all this crap about ‘not showing any benefit to paying for the land decades before we plan to use it’, um how about helping out a mate? To suggest that a mates rates deal was unethical is bloody Un-Australian! Hell I even offered to pay in $30m worth of cases of beer!”
In response to the renewed calls for a Federal ICAC, the Prime Minister had this prepared statement to read out, “Oh come off it mate. We don’t need a Federal ICAC, stopping being such a snitch.” After concern that his PR team hadn’t prepared him enough on the matter, he continued completely unassisted saying, “Heavens to Betsy, I shall hear no more of these allegations of tomfoolery and humbugging. Anybody who persists with these actions against us are men without valour or honour, without valour I say!”
Reports emerging out of Europe this morning indicate the Polish capital Warsaw has fallen to the Victorian Liberation Forces, after Dictator Dan Andrews sought to further entrench his ruthless grip on power.
The move is just the latest escalation by the out of control power-hungry maniac Dan Andrews, with many witnesses saying the move into complete genocidal fascism was not at all unexpected. “You know we all saw this coming when he asked everyone politely to stay indoors for a few weeks and watch Netflix to save the elderly,” explained one historian. “It’s the typical process any dictator – first a public health order to prevent a plague, then boom invade Poland and set up concentration camps. Oldest trick in the books.”
Asked why he had suddenly decided to own his title of ‘Dictator Dan’, Andrews said he was simply trying to win over the Sun Herald. “At first I thought I’d try get them on side by being a widely loved and competent leader,” explained Andrews. “But that didn’t work. So instead I looked at what kind of leaders they support and I realised I’ve been doing this all back to front. The one consistent thing the Herald Sun has praised is leaders who put people in detention camps – so it turns out they actually secretly want a dictator.”
“Anyway, I’ve gotta go, we’re about to start the pogroms. This one’s for you Herald Sun.”
Troubling scenes have emerged out of Canberra today after numerous MPs were rushed to hospital to be treated for carbon monoxide poisoning.
The issue was caused by a parliamentary stunt in the House of Representatives, in which Prime Minister Scott Morrison opened multiple gas bottles on the floor of parliament to demonstrate the harmless nature of fossil fuel.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of, take a deep breath – it’s just gas!” Mr Morrison was heard slurring. “See ish perflectly harmlesh, and I … oh dear excuse me I’m just going to take a quick nap on the floor.”
The Prime Minister also rejected the notion that a transition plan to renewables should involve renewables, or even a plan, stating that green energy clearly doesn’t work if you ignore all the cases where it does.
The situation on parliament’s floor reportedly devolved into disorderly schoolboy–style antics soon after, as a delirious Barnaby Joyce suggested they blow up a deodorant can next. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister assured The Chaser that the cost of the gas bottles was not paid for using taxpayer money, instead being a generous donation from fossil fuel lobbyists.