HR department preps for ‘busy season’ ahead of office Christmas party


A financial advisory firm has put out several job ads for ‘Christmas Casuals’ to manage the incoming load of HR incidents.

“Every year we brief our staff and tell them that the company’s expectation is that we’re professional at all times and reminding them that it’s a work function so please remember that your code of conduct still applies, even though this year will feature an open bar in one of the most notorious pubs in the city,” said HR Manager Susan Lauper. “That and the fact that our company is run by a pack of entitled private school boys, who would proudly wear their misogyny as a badge of honour if they knew how to spell it.”

“For us it’s a pretty busy season, a lot of our executives only really get one night out a year without their spouses, so that, combined with a company-wide culture of toxic masculinity, means that we could really do with the extra help processing everything that comes with it.” 

Susan says last year saw a ban on Secret Santa gifts after several admins complained about inappropriate gifts from management “Didn’t think we had to tell people that Honey-Birdette gift cards aren’t appropriate for work but here we are.”

As the rest of the company takes a break from the grind, HR describes the event as “a high stakes operation.”

“We’ll be looking at a range of options for trying to prevent incidents before they happen before taking our actual break in January,” said the HR executive. “Then we have to gear up again in time for Valentine’s Day.”

Woolworths announces public executions for holiday season shoplifters


Australia’s number one grocery prison has announced a brand new policy stating that loss prevention officers will be granted license to shoot any suspected shoplifter on sight.

“Do you think this is a fucking joke?” sprayed a nameless executive wearing a balaclava at a press conference.

“We put in the security gates, the guards, the cameras everywhere and even fitted our creepy cleaning robots with lasers, and we’re still seeing a small amount of people who are doing the wrong thing, it’s not on!”

Woolworths have also announced 9 cents a litre fuel discount as a reward for any information leading to the capture of a shoplifter this holiday season. “This Christmas, snitches get the riches,” said the masked executive.

“Woolworths needs to be treated with the respect a corporate giant deserves,” he said, as he gently patted a baseball bat in his hands. “What we did to Australian farmers we can do to you. Don’t tempt me.” 

“Our new partially trained loss prevention officers didn’t have the skills to be full police officers, so we’ve given them jobs as a private militia. They are authorised to use lethal force in any situation where they believe someone is taking our overpriced, invisibly shrunk products without paying above full price.” 

The new security comes in the wake of a successful strike from a Coles Brand MQ9 reaper drone which neutralised a customer who allegedly stole a red seedless grape.

Police begin efforts to track down attendees of white supremacist march and offer them a job


Representatives for Victorian Police have responded to community concerns following a white supremacist march in Ballart, with the police commissioner saying they will do everything they can to track down the masked neo-Nazis and offer them a spot on the force.

“We are looking for any information people might have regarding those who attended the recent neo-Nazi march,” said a representative for the police, “we simply want to question them about the events and whether they are looking for a cool job where they can shoot people.”

“We have seen community concerns raised about the Nazi salute and white supremacist chants they were shouting and we are concerned too. Concerned about when their availability is and whether they need training in order to attack unarmed people of colour or tase an old lady with a walker to death?”

“We would have tracked them down already but we were preoccupied with trying to find and arrest a bunch of school students who were protesting against climate change. Well we also strip-searched them too but that wasn’t for any official reasons.”

War Criminal downgraded to just ‘diplomat’ in media reports following his death


Shock news around the world as War Criminal Henry Kissinger died in his family home, after tragically not dying years earlier.

As outlets around the world prepare his obituary, editorial staff have been sending out letters telling journalists what terms are and aren’t appropriate when talking about the evil fuck in an effort to not hurt the dead war criminal’s feelings in a way that would make countries question their own war crimes.

“We know he was one of the greatest war criminals of all time,” wrote the editors for every mainstream outlet in a joint statement, “but the best way to handle this is to just focus on the ‘greatest’ part.”

“For example, instead of talking about bombings Vietnam that caused the war to escalate, talk about how he won a Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating down the escalations in the war.”

“Just use that passive tone we always strive for when discussing war crimes that leaves people not questioning who did them. Who knows, maybe those bombs just magically appeared in Cambodia?”

“A man has died and we need to respect that by ignoring the countless other lives that came to a violent end due to his actions. Once we ignore the bad stuff he did, we can all feel better about painting him as a ‘controversial’ hero.”

Local serial killer feeling pretty good about Channel 7 application


Following Seven West Media’s recent investments in high profile men, 29 year old local serial killer Travis Wilson has been left feeling hopeful for his application with the company.

“It’s been a difficult few years for serial killers,” said Wilson as he threw a suitcase into the Cooks River, “lockdown meant we were all inside. They wouldn’t let backpackers into the country and our victims just aren’t carrying cash anymore. What are we meant to do for money now, ask for their Beem It?” 

Wilson has spent the last few weeks eagerly awaiting a response following his audition to be the new composting expert on Better Homes and Gardens.

Wilson is hoping to be the latest controversial figure to benefit from Channel 7’s payroll. The station has recently come under fire for funding legal costs for key witnesses in Ben Roberts-Smith’s defamation hearing, paying Bruce Lehrmann’s rent for 12 months and refusing to let Big Brother die.

“Everyone deserves a second, third, fourth and maybe even fifth chance,” a company insider said, “Channel 7 is committed to diversity, that includes the people no one else will touch.”

“I feel like I’ll fit right in,” Wilson said, “it’s just nice to know that no matter what you allegedly do, your employer has your back. You just don’t get that kind of commitment from a lot of companies these days”


Entitled dodgy renter freeloads for entire year


REPORT: Residents in Sydney have been left terrified after learning that one of their neighbours has been a filthy freeloader for an entire year.

Locals told A Chaser Affair that Bruce (28) has been living in a lavish three bedroom apartment that costs $2,500 a week, all while claiming he has no money coming in, meaning the bludger must be mooching off someone.

“What a grub,” said his neighbour, “I mean this is a rich part of Sydney, so we see a lot of creepy men who want to go into politics and media. But being a renter is unforgivable. Especially one who is just freeloading, who is paying for this?”

“The only alleged criminals claiming to have no money that we want around here are all the alleged white collar criminals avoiding tax.”

“Oh and Jeremy the cocaine dealer.”

In response to questions about the apartment, Bruce responded by saying in a statement that reads, “I don’t recall. And if you don’t leave me alone I will sue and admit everything on the stand.”

A Chaser Affair can exclusively reveal that Bruce has had an accomplice in his entitled freeloading. That accomplice being rival network Channel 7, who have been secretly funnelling funds to this dodgy renter. Channel 7 are known protectors of dodgy scumbags including their previous funding of Ben Roberts-Smith’s defamation suit loss and Sonia Kruger’s existence.

Our reporters have approached Channel 7 spokesperson and alleged mastermind, referred to only as ‘The Cash Cow’. We have yet to hear back from them, begging the question, what else are they hiding?

“The media ruined my life,” claims guy who had a year of rent paid by Channel 7


As the defamation trial that alleged rapist Bruce Lehrmann chose to bring forward continues, Lehrmann has admitted that Channel 7 has been paying his rent for an entire year despite previous assertions that no payment had been made for the interview he did with the network.

The admission that 7 was paying reportedly $2,500 a week for a lavish apartment was made while Lehrmann tries to prove to the courts that his life has been ruined by the media.

“The media has completely ruined my life,” said Lehrmann trying to force a tear, “I mean they are only paying for a three bedroom apartment with a waterfront view. I don’t even have a personal jacuzzi or servant. I am slumming it because of them.

“This revelation is proof of how unfair the systems truly are,” said one legal expert, “it’s just so disappointing to see. I mean, who would possibly think this is a good idea, to associate themselves with Channel 7.”

In response to the testimony, Former Attorney-General Christian Porter predicted that the case will end as yet another “humiliating step down” by the media.

Bruce Lehrmann regrets asking Ben Roberts-Smith for legal advice


Alleged rapist Bruce Lehrmann has expressed regret following yet another disastrous day in court during the lawsuit he chose to bring against Lisa Wilkinson, saying he wishes he didn’t listen to war-criminal and defamation loss enthusiast Ben Roberts-Smith’s advice.

“No one told me a defamation suit could backfire,” he said while breaking down during cross examination, “Ben just said to remember that we have the backing of Channel 7, and there is no way Kerry Stokes would fund someone who would embarrass themselves in a spectacular fashion.”

“I mean I didn’t follow his advice to a T, I haven’t done any leggies yet. Maybe that’s the thing my case needs.”

“It’s wasn’t just Ben’s advice either. Christian Porter said the media would definitely suffer a ‘humiliating step-down’, but so far the closest thing is ABC agreeing to a settlement where I give up the lawsuit but we agree to call it a settlement. I didn’t know that is what he meant by ‘humiliating step-down’. It doesn’t feel like a win at all.”

“Worst of all is Lachlan Murdoch, not only did he give me bad advice but the court case has gone so bad that even his outlets have started criticising me after years of being firmly on my side. My lawyers say that might be the worst possible sign for our case.”

In response to the case, Kerry Stokes has asked all journalists to work overtime trying to see if there are any Ben Roberts-Smith style pics of Bruce Lehrmann’s abs to help boost his public perception.

Bruce Lehrmann sues Bruce Lehrmann for defamation


In an extraordinary move, alleged rapist Bruce Lehrmann has filed a defamation lawsuit against former political staffer Bruce Lehrmann.

The case study for entitled privileged insecure men told the courts that his reputation has taken a serious hit following the Channel 7 personality’s testimony during the lawsuit against Lisa Wilkinson which he chose to bring forward.

The plaintiff’s lawyers told  reporters that they are feeling pretty confident with the case after seeing how badly Lehrmann falls apart on the stand.

“Everything Bruce Lehrmann has said and done in the last few years has made me look terrible,” claimed Bruce Lehrmann, “I can not allow this to go on any longer. Justice must be served.”

“I mean just look at what he has already admitted to. His constant lies to Channel 7, to the government and allegedly to the police have made me out to look like some sort of liar who has something to hide. I mean he just cant keep his story straight, how can anyone believe a word he says?”

“These lies have really upset me, but also I have never heard the lies…. Wait no, I mean… ahh.. I don’t recall.”

Australia faces ‘once in a lifetime bushfire season’ for the first time in 3 years


As a bushfire rages in WA, experts have warned that Australia faces a ‘once in a lifetime’ bushfire season. One that historically can only be compared to a fire season dating all the way back to three years ago.

“This season will be unprecedented,” said one expert, “just like it was unprecedented three years ago. And how all of the future fire seasons will be.”

“To think, there are people as old as babies who have never seen a fire season quite like this.”

In response to the fire season, which started as early as September, Prime Minister Albanese reassured Australians that his government is doing everything it can to try to limit the damage the fires can cause to the fossil fuel industry.