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Trump sends “deepest condolences” to President of Guam

United States President Donald Trump has today pledged his “complete support for the country of Guam”, stating that the United States would stand side by side with the pacific island against any North Korean threat. Stating that he is ready to deploy military assistance as soon as he gets the green-light from the government of Guam, Trump said that his aids were still working on getting in contact with their President, who must clearly “be run off his feet dealing with this thing”.

An aid then approached the President and informed him that he is, in fact, President of Guam, a fact that he and 90% of journalists had only just discovered via Wikipedia an hour earlier.

Brushing aside the new information as “fake news” the President continued with his speech. “In moments of hostility such as these, involving such dangerous weapons as Nuclear missiles, it’s important that we all keep cool heads and don’t do anything rash.” announced Trump. “And if anyone does get hot headed, so help me god I will nuke them and everyone they ever loved back into the stone age.”

Commanders within the United States military also called for calm from the public, reassuring reporters that “the President is in no way in control of this situation.” They also played down fears of a nuclear holocaust occurring due to Trump’s provocative nature, stating “The upside of having a Commander-In-Chief this incompetent is that he never actually got around to learning the nuclear codes. We tried to teach it to him, but he just asked us if we had the biggest nukes, we said yes, and then he said ‘yeah that’s right the biggest’ and dismissed us. We didn’t even get a chance to tell him about the aliens.”


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