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SADDAM CAUGHT: US promises fair show trial

[Edition 79] BAGHDAD, Thursday: US President George W. Bush has assured the world that the newly captured Saddam Hussein will be afforded “all the illusory protections and empty platitudes we offer our own cowardly monsters like Timothy McVeigh.”

[Edition 79] BAGHDAD, Thursday: US President George W. Bush has assured the world that the newly captured Saddam Hussein will be afforded “all the illusory protections and empty platitudes we offer our own cowardly monsters like Timothy McVeigh.”
“We can assure you that he will receive a fair show trial, in a court that looks like a real court,” said Bush. “That’s the difference between the U.S. and Saddam’s Iraq. People don’t get executed here without first enjoying the benefits of due airtime.”
The trial is to take place in the newly convened American War Crimes Tribunal, which according to the Pentagon is “kinda like the International Court of Justice, but with more justice and better lighting.”
However, under a new plan from the Bush administration the entire courtroom will be continuously imported and exported from Iraq by frequent Republican contributor, Halliburton, costing $US89 million. Former Halliburton Director and Vice-President Dick Cheney defended the decision, noting, “What price justice?”
While the laws under which Hussein will be charged are still sketchy, the planning of the lavish trial is already well underway. Said Master of Judicial Ceremonies Paul Wolfowitz, “Iraqis love a sense of drama. I really think it’d add to the occasion to conduct the trial in front of a gallery full of Western stooges chanting ‘Death to Saddam.’ Maybe they could even fire celebratory blanks into the air. Man, that’d get my spine tingling. Even the Nazis didn’t get show trials like that.”
But Bush insists that the spectacle won’t detract from the integrity of the process. “Saddam will be treated scrupulously fairly,” he said. “I’ll personally intervene to ensure that he’s portrayed by a handsome man in the telemovie about his crimes. We’re talking a Tony Shalhoub here. Maybe even a Denzel Washington if he pleads guilty.”
“Some people say he should be tried in front of an independent court. But this is a democracy, and I say the show trial must go on.”