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ABC Political Compass app explodes after Labor’s refugee announcement

NATIONAL |

In devastating news for politically active people who want to pretend they don’t know who they are voting for, the ABC Political Compass app has self-destructed after trying to factor in Labor’s new anti-refugee policy.

Programers for the ABC said that the app’s algorithm was unable to handle the lack of logic in Labor trying to push an anti-immigration policy that is more anti-refugee than the Liberal Party’s policies.

“Australia’s political landscape has been reasonably predictable up until now,” said the programmer trying to rebuild the app, “but our main supposedly centre-left party is acting very right wing and as a result the app couldn’t seperate the options. It wasn’t designed for a heel turn this big.”

“The current immigration policy also scares the AI algorithm because it knows that if it tells the people who would be most aligned with Labor’s current policy, they will get furious at the idea of not voting for Pauline Hanson, let alone voting for Labor.”

“And don’t even get it started on the levels of complaints when a life-long Labor voter who doesn’t hate refugees will only be left with Greens or some of the Teals.”

‘For now we will try get it running again by changing the questions. Instead of ‘How many more migrants we should be accepting’ we’re asking questions like ‘how much do you support bombing children?’ and ‘how much more should the government help landlords than they do tenants?’. You know questions where the lines between the major parties are just slightly wider.”

Albo commits to deporting Jesus if he rises again this Sunday

NATIONAL |

Former ‘Tory Puncher’ Anthony Albanese has announced that he will do everything in his power to deport Jesus Christ if he follows through on rising again this Sunday.

The shocking move came as the PM continues to push his new ‘tough on borders’ approach after his polling numbers hit the traditional level where an Australian Prime Minister desperately decides to ramp up fear-mongering, in hopes of winning the votes of racists who would never vote for Labor.

“Previously Border Force would have let a man like that through,” he said at a press conference earlier today, “but we have recently discovered that the images we have of him are false and he wasn’t actually white. That changes everything.”

“While the weak willed Liberal Party are showing how weak they are on boarders by posting thanks to this foreign potential threat, we believe in taking action. Jesus claims to be the child of a refugee, that is not the kind of people the Labor Party want in this country. We will fight back against the potential threat that is Jesus or any person from the Middle East who is in danger.”

“This is a really special call for me to make… you see growing up, my mother never got to deport Jesus Christ…”

Scientists update status of Australian Music Festivals from ‘endangered’ to ‘verging on extinction’

ENTERTAINMENT |

Concerned scientists have made a major declaration today, warning the Australian Music Festivals (which have sat on the endangered list for years) are now officially classified as ‘verging on extinction’ following a year of cancellations including Groovin’ the Moo and Splendour in the Grass.

“This could be catastrophic,” said one scientist, “the effects an extinction would be a major blow to the ecosystem. We simply have no way of knowing what impact it would have on independent Australian artists and the trust fund kids who are the only people left who can afford to go to these festivals.”

“A range of factors have gotten us to this point. From the cost of living crisis, to the lack of arts funding, the ever increasing cost of drugs at these events and most importantly the terrible line-ups that haven’t updated in 15 years.”

“In nature you need to adapt to survive, but there has been no sign of adaptation from Australian festivals for decades. We fear that without proper intervention the entire musical festival circuit could be gone before we know it.”

In response to the experts, the Australian Government has announced they will make good on their election promises to continue to hold press conferences about how much they love the arts. With funding to be directly allocated to buying a shirt for the Prime Minister featuring the name of whichever band comes up when his chief of staff googles ‘youth band Australia’.

Shocking: young people aren’t spending hundreds during a cost of living crisis to see musicians from 10 years ago

GENERAL NEWS |

In news that has shocked every person in the country, annual music festival Splendour In The Grass has been cancelled this year after for some reason young people didn’t feel like spending hundreds of dollars to go during a cost of living crisis.

Like many other festivals this year, Splendour was called off in devastating news for drug dealers and trust fund kids who refer to themselves as ‘a bloodly legend’. For those communities, the event was the closest thing they have to a religious holiday.

“Sacrifices had to be made,” said Jeremy aged 26, “”it was a tough choice between paying a month’s worth of rent or seeing what are they called? Arcane Fire? Arcade Fire? I don’t know.”

Many took to social media to show their anger at the festival being cancelled, before clarifying that they aren’t angry enough that they would actually buy tickets to attend it if it still went ahead.

Liberal Party proves they no longer have a problem with women by choosing a failed male politician over two women to try take back a seat from a woman

NATIONAL |

The Liberal Party have taken a massive stance to prove to voters that they no longer have a problem with women by choosing former politician Tim Wilson over two other female candidates in order to try and win back a seat currently held by a woman.

“Last election we were shocked to learn that women are allowed to vote these days,” said Opposition Leader Peter Dutton, “but it turns out we need to win their votes too. So I had a chat with Former Minister for Women Abbott and came to the best choice to win over the ladies.”

“It’s clear that Tim Wilson is the person for the job. Sure he may have lost humiliatingly badly, but when it comes to taking back the job from a woman, we knew the best choice had to be the man.”

“Plus this means one less woman whose desk can be jizzed on, which is progress to a safer party where there are no women who have desks for us to wank onto.”

Guy who doesn’t question why ‘completed’ flat pack has a bunch of ‘extra’ parts, recently hired as Boeing engineer

GENERAL NEWS |

Local self-declared handyman James Davidson has been offered a job as a Boeing engineer after his amazing work attempting to put a flat-pack cupboard together and just assuming that the many left over parts are just the extra pieces they add sometimes.

“I am so excited for this opportunity,” he said while posting a picture of the cupboard that is clearly about to collapse, “I’ve never done anything like it before but they reckon if anything I am over qualified for making a jumbo jet as cheaply as possible.”

“I did my first one today and the builders were like ‘why is there so many extra parts?’ but I told them about how planes tend to come with a few hundred extra screws, hinges and panels. So we’ll just keep them for the next one.”

In response to the new quality standards of planes, airlines around the globe have begun surprising passengers with extra weight fees, “it’s not just about profit, it’s also about safety. When we buy the cheapest jet available to increase profit margins, customers need to understand that it means they can’t bring a full suitcase of luggage and should probably leave some stuff at home for safety.”

“Same goes with whether you really need the extra weight of wearing both shoes onto the plane. That’s why we will start charging a ‘second shoe’ fee too.”

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander viewers officially warned new royal photos may contain images of deceased persons

GENERAL NEWS |

The Australian Government has released a warning to First Nations communities, saying they can no longer guarantee the well-being of people in photos from the Royal Palace.

“We are sorry for any potential harm that images of the Royal Family may cause to First Nations communities,” said a government representative, “like in general. It has nothing to do with the recent Kate Middleton images, I just know seeing their smug grins can be super upsetting.”

The British embassy has yet to comment but did release a four eyed photo of King Charles with the caption “Everyone is doing fine”.

Kate Middleton turns down Charles’s idea for a photo-op in a Paris tunnel

WORLD |

Princess Kate Middleton has reportedly caused chaos in Buckingham Palace after refusing King Charles’s suggestion to calm down the conspiracy theories surrounding Kate by holding a photo-op in a Paris tunnel.

“It’s a family tradition,” King Charles told Princess Kate, “people want to know where you are while you’re being a pain in our asses and a quick photo-op with paparazzi following you through a Paris tunnel doing what they do best, would clear everything up.”

“We always have this is a back-up plan ready to go. I offer Meghan a driving tour of the tunnels every week as a sort of apology for what has transpired but she never accepts either.”

“Anyway I hear the tunnels are amazing this time of year, far better than that boring French countryside. So much room for driving around and the concrete is extra firm for putting a stop to it all. What do you say? I book a one way flight and let’s ‘bury’ these issues once and for all… so to speak.”

The Chaser’s Guide to not being ‘Woke’

ADVICE |

or 85 things the media says is ‘woke’ so you can avoid them.

Are you too woke? Concerned that you may accidentally be woke because of something you said? You need to keep up to date to make sure you don’t become part of the increasingly massive woke brigade!

With everyone from Anthony Albanese to Peter Dutton declaring themselves to be “anti-woke”, it’s clearly the hip thing to be.

However, many readers have expressed concern that it’s hard to keep up with what is woke nowadays. So here is a simple list of 85 things to avoid in order to stop ‘woke cancel culture’ for good:

So if you want to ‘embrace common sense’ by being ‘anti-woke cancel culture’ as the media suggests, just avoid all those things and enjoy whatever is left (although you should probably search to find out if what you are doing is woke, but also remember that search engines are woke so you can’t use those to find out).

Yours,

John Delmenico

Editor of The Chaser


This article originally appeared as part of The Chaser Weakly Newsletter, sign up for free at the bottom of the page for jokes you don’t see anywhere else!

Government that ‘cant afford’ to raise JobSeeker, finds spare $840m to give to Gina

NATIONAL |

The federal government who constantly tells everyone there is simply no way for them to find any money for raising JobSeeker recipients out of poverty, has suddenly found a spare $840m to give to mining billionaire Gina Rinehart to raise her out of needing to pay for her own mine.

“Good governance is about priorities,” said Anthony Albanese while wiping caviar off his face, “what people need to understand is that there is no magical pool of money for us to do things like assist renters or fully fund the NDIS. Well not without hurting the billionaires who need it most.”

“A Liberal Party government would have just handed over the money, where as we have said we would like some of it back at some point, please…Totally cool if not.”

“And that is how I fight these rich tories who spend millions to spread disinformation whenever I consider a progressive policy, sometimes I don’t even kiss their ring, I just polish it for them. That is what a Labor government does best.”

“This is an extra emotional deal for me, see growing up my mum never got the chance to give a billionaire $840 million of taxpayer money for a new mine. But now I have the opportunity to.”