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RIAA battles music piracy with lawsuit against 12 year old girl

[Edition 77] NEW YORK, Wednesday: The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has achieved an emphatic victory in its war against music piracy, with a $3000 out of court settlement against a 12 year old girl. The RIAA is ecstatic over the settlement and believes that, while there is still a long way to go, it is “pretty much on the home straight from here.”

Music pirate: Lahara avoided detection by shunning her eye patch and shoulder parrot

[Edition 77] NEW YORK, Wednesday: The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has achieved an emphatic victory in its war against music piracy, with a $3000 out of court settlement against a 12 year old girl.

Brianna Lahara, 12, who the RIAA says is the mastermind of the world’s multi-billion dollar music piracy racket, has conceded that what she was doing was illegal.

In a statement released by her parents, Lahara said she “loves music and didn’t mean to hurt the artists she loves,” when she downloaded a song from the internet.

The RIAA is ecstatic over the settlement and believes that, while there is still a long way to go, it is “pretty much on the home straight from here.” “This little whipper-snapper’s been taking us for a bunch of chumps for years,” said RIAA spokesman Gary Seymour. “I’m sure she’s been pushing drugs and running prostitution rackets on the side as well.”

Seymour, speaking at a $300 per head Matchbox 20 album launch, is a firm advocate of the industry’s strategy of targeting the “Mr Bigs” of the piracy industry rather than individuals who have little comprehension of what they are doing. He believes that Lahara, who employed the clever guise of living with her single mother in a housing project on New York’s upper west side, is an example of the strategy working.

But it’s not just the suits who are celebrating. Metallica’s James Hetfield has also welcomed the outcome. “It’s about friggin’ time”, he said, speaking from a coke party at his $250 mansion. “People like Lahara forget who they’re hurting. I mean, the satin toilet seats in my second yacht didn’t pay for themselves you know.”

The RIAA result may be the beginning of a lawsuit boom period for corporate America. Since the settlement, fuel giant Esso have announced plans to sue 42 year-old Hal Bately for syphoning petrol into the 1979 Toyota Corolla in which he has been forced to live since being made redundant three years ago.

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