[Edition 75] ADELAIDE, Saturday – Latin dance instructor Jose Barretto was disappointed to learn that his 8pm Tuesday class had only a fleeting interest in the infectious rhythms of South America and the Caribbean. “Rather than a way to expand their cultural horizons, increase fitness and have fun, the class instead sees it as a last-resort measure to end their loneliness.”

Most class-members do enjoy the actual dancing, but suggest that it is secondary to their abiding interest in companionship. “I really like the explosive energy of meringue” says Peter North, 29. “It’s a passionate dance from the Dominican Republic, through which I have a slim chance at some coitus in the distant future.”

Mary McGowan is crazy about the tango. The 36 year-old divorcee says the dance gives her “a chance for the skin-on-skin contact I would otherwise be denied.” “It’s a dance full of primal power. It’d be great if I could find someone to do it with me. In every sense.”

Instructor Barretto tries to be philosophical about the nature of his class. “I do hope some people find happiness through my class, and whether that’s through the colourful tradition of Afro-Cuban music and dance, or through porking each other, it’s the same to me.”

Barretto however noted that most of the men in the class, who were ugly, still seemed to be focusing their attentions on the one unattainably stunning girl in the class. “In time, both men and women will lose heart and find succour in the arms of each other.”